Scene: White House, Oval Office, with cameras and reporters crowded in front of desk where Biden sits with Mideastern boy in chair next to his. The child’s head is visible, body concealed by desk.
President Biden: Here’s the deal, friends. You see beside me a new Biden, Ahmed. He was born in Gaza eight years ago, recently became an orphan and an only child. But Ahmed now has a brother.
Ahmed: I am prepared to testify in Hunter’s defense.
Biden: When Jill and I first met our new son outside the White House, he was calling for a ceasefire in Gaza.
Ahmed: Also no more munitions to Israel. And no more occupation.
Biden: My son the future diplomat.
Ahmed: I want to go home.
Biden: It’s just down that hallway, a short walk over to the East Wing, you know the way. (Ahmed exits.).
Before you ask any questions, just let me say that I still fully support Israel’s right to defend itself. But it’s going to have to defend itself against Ahmed and his young friends. They’re mostly unarmed or disarmed, as we all should be, if we want world peace.
I know I recently signed an $860 billion dollar defense bill. Peace is expensive. But it’s worth the price, if it gives us a country in which someone like Ahmed can grow up to be president.
Ahmed (returning): President of the Palestinian Authority, in a two-state solution, yes?
Biden: I can’t promise. That’s up to the electorate, and Israel’s occupying forces.
Ahmed: I understand. How can you guarantee a free and fair election in my country when you can’t guarantee it in your own?
Biden: My son the political theorist! Hardly together a week and already we enjoy the usual father-son disputes.
Ahmed: I urge the United Nations to mediate if our differences appear irreconcilable. But you must withhold your veto.
Biden: It’s hard to reach an agreement with Ahmed when I also have to listen to my advisors on the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Department of State, and the campaign manager. They don’t always agree with one another, either.
Ahmed: But soon, when the fighting stops, you’ll rebuild my country? The profits for foreign contractors will be enormous. Postwar profiteering should be outlawed.
Biden: I couldn’t have said it better. I couldn’t have said it at all, in fact, I owe too many people too many favors. And that’s why I’ve asked Ahmed to make a special announcement today.
Ahmed: Parents everywhere will understand when I say that my new American father takes his family responsibilities quite seriously. He has decided not to run for re-election in 2024, so he can spend more time with his sons.
Biden (whispering) And his wife, and his grandchildren.
Ahmed: Yes, that too. Family first. I’d advise Trump to do the same, stay at home with the family before his prison terms begin. It’s time for younger leadership. And now, Dad, can we go to the Secret Service’s soccer game?
Biden: Yes, my son, they’re waiting for you to take the first kick.