Graceful Aging

Norman Reisman

I hope you’re doing it, aging gracefully, that is. But that hasn’t quite been my experience. Aging, yes. Grace, hmmm. At times it’s just plain undignified.

I guess I peaked at around 50 years old. I was in relatively good shape. Ran a marathon. Exercised regularly. And then came Sept. 11. We were in Paris at the time, but we managed to fly back on the first available flight to New York. The problem was that everyone on board was so petrified and still in a state of shock, that nobody moved on that flight. Hardly anyone even used the rest room. We were all afraid to, I think. So about a week after flying back, I felt a chest pain which was actually a pulmonary embolism. Tests revealed that I had hyper coagulable blood. So I went on blood thinners for life. (Still on them and doing fine, thanks.) That was actually pretty easy for me since the activities that I could no longer participate in (downhill skiing, boxing, martial arts, etc.) weren’t part of my regular routine anyway.

A little down the road from that came the usual benign enlarged prostate issues associated with male aging. They were so annoying. I eventually had surgery which my urologist told me would be “liberating.” It is. Now I sleep all night. No more pee stops between restaurants and theaters, intermissions, etc. The most embarrassing part of the actual experience was the young team of doctors and medical students that kept checking on me. Being totally exposed on that table every time they came around, under the lights, I felt like I was starring in a super bowl commercial. Talk about indignity. But it was well worth it. I sometimes get this Larry David type satisfied feeling when I’m in and out of a public restroom while others are struggling. (Terrible, I know.)

And in the last 10-15 years my biggest issues have become hearing and sleeping. After some experimentation I eventually became very used to hearing aids. I swear by those things. I usually tell my wife when I take them out at night and she’ll yell, “I love you.” But I can’t hear a thing without them. I’ve actually slept through several hotel fire alarms over the years. It’s always good to have someone around at night.

Not sleeping well, the final indignity. My doctor suggested an at home test for sleep apnea. I figured I had nothing to lose, but I must say, I don’t know how anyone can sleep with all of those wires and hoses and gizmos strapped to their bodies. (I think the test is rigged.). This particular test had an air tube that you would insert into your nostrils. It would let you know if you needed to make adjustments. On this particulate night, I finally managed to fall asleep when I woke up to my wife jostling me awake. I asked her what was going on and she screamed, “put that damn thing back in your nose.” The hose had fallen out and the machine was speaking to me. Only I couldn’t hear it. But she certainly could.

Otherwise I’m pretty good, for the moment that is. All bodily functions going well, with some technical assistance. Time for my nap now. I better change my CPAP Machine filters.