On the Death of Donald Trump

An Unconfirmed News Item

Editor’s Note

ALTE has received word from our roving reporter, Joel Schechter, that Donald Trump has died. Readers are advised that not everything stated in this article has been fact-checked, but our staff is taking too long to do so, and the topic is too urgent for us to postpone publication.

Millions of Americans will mourn his death,  millions of Americans will not be terribly upset. A few will ask who killed him, but it appears that he died while swinging at a golf ball at his club in New Jersey. Forensics experts are still studying the ball.

Until today, the chance that former President Trump would die just months before the November 2024 election was not contemplated by most pollsters. Trump’s associates at a casino in Atlantic City were betting in favor (5-1 odds) of a second White House term for him. Odds were even more favorable for his closing all the nation’s borders on day one, and eliminating most climate change regulations on day two.

Rumors that Trump died from heart failure have not yet been confirmed. His personal doctor, Ronny Johnson, has so far only confirmed that Trump had a heart. Mr. Trump’s consumption of four Wendy’s burgers, two milkshakes, and fries just before the game had nothing to do with his demise, according to a fellow golfer. “He was hitting them out of the park,” said his caddy. “He only missed the ball once, on that last swing.”

President Biden has not yet declared a national day of mourning for the former president, although the Supreme Court’s flag already has been lowered to half-mast and now flies upside-down. 

Had Mr. Trump not died before this year’s election, his chances of re-entering and re-furnishing the White House were excellent, according to campaign advisor James Monroe. Monroe now admits that Trump is less likely to win, but has not completely ruled out a victory. “Don was not deterred by all the accusations of insurrection and the trials and impeachment hearings thrown at him,” said Monroe, “and we don’t see this new obstacle as a lot more obstructive than the others.”

From his beach blanket in Miami,  Donald Trump Jr. announced, “The death of my father has been greatly exaggerated. He lives on in our dreams, our fortune, and our brand.”

“In this last act of his,” declared a hoarse and slack-jawed President Joe Biden, clearly affected by the (non-electoral) loss, “Donald Trump made a commendable final contribution to America’s greatness. In one single day, his last day, he singlehandedly reduced the threat to democracy and improved the chances that our nation will be able to combat climate change, sustain friendly relations with European nations, and keep national health plans going. Although I once called him (I forget when) the worst president in American history, this last act of his ensures that our country will be a little less driven by hatred, greed, and autocratic wealth as it goes on without him. For this all Americans should be grateful.”

Despite reported signs of cognitive decline,  President Biden has so far not withdrawn from the electoral contest himself, but according to one source who should know, he is now considering withdrawal, after having said he only sought reelection so that he could defeat Trump again.  

Those who wish to honor the former President Trump’s final efforts to keep democracy alive and resist climate catastrophe are encouraged to make donations to Third Act, Sunrise, Greenpeace, or ALTE.