Sending Out the Search Party

Before the Bad Guys Take Over the Town

I really, really, really want to avert Trumpian fascism in America, so I recently joined a search party that was out looking for Kamala Harris, the presumptive Democratic candidate for president in 2024. First we searched the Mexico-Arizona border, where she was supposed to be solving the problem of desperate migrants coming in. We knew that she wouldn’t actually be able to solve the problem, of course, but we figured we’d find her making a few appearances and maybe a monthly inspirational speech about the specific contributions of immigrants to our nation, yesterday and today, and how sicko Republican legislators over the past four decades have blocked reform of the immigration system.

Next our search party checked Georgia, North Carolina and a few other states where Republican legislatures are undermining voting rights. We knew Harris wouldn’t be able to solve that problem, either, but we figured she’d be making appearances and maybe a monthly speech about the grim history of Jim Crow, the way elections are stacked against the Democrats, and how sicko Republican legislators are trying to grab power and not let go.

So where the hell is Kamala Harris? When we found her, at last, she was in Paris! A great location, especially if you want to win the hearts and minds of working-class America!

Our search party did not disband, no — we scarfed down a few French pastries and returned to the U.S. to search throughout the Democratic Party for any other plausible candidate for the presidency who is under 55 years old — or how about under 65? Or 75?— and can take on Trump in 2024.

We’re still looking.

In the interim, our search party issued the following statement to President Joe Biden:

Dear, dear Joe —

If your goal is to restore the American working class to some semblance of security and to prove that government has a positive role to play in our lives, you’re going to have to pull out all the stops. Take a tip from that bastard Donald Trump: Start transgressing! Are gas prices too high at the pump and everyone’s cursing you for it? Release the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, already! Are supply chains suffering from the lack of truck drivers? Mobilize the National Guard to drive trucks! The Teamsters can’t complain if they can’t supply the drivers, and besides, they support the Republicans!

Are Manchin and Sinema blocking the Build Back Better bill? Take a piece of it that they support, say, childcare, and get it through via Reconciliation, NOW, then make a big speech declaring: “We got you childcare, America, and not a single Republican voted for your child!!” Early next year, use Reconciliation to pass, say, a new affordable housing bill, then make a big speech declaring: “We got you beautiful housing, America, and not a single Republican voted to put roof over your head!”

The thing is, Joe, you have to act now and apologize later. You have to call the Republicans traitors to America’s future, at every opportunity. You have to use your executive power in every way you can and get whatever you can get done before the courts overturn you.

Please also help us find Kamala Harris. She was last seen in Paris.

—Lawrence Bush for ALTE: Getting Old Together