This really speaks to me. Although my divorce was before my daughters had children, some of these tensions erupted because he left me (us) for a woman he married immediately and brings her to any and all family events. (He actually began doing that WHILE we were still divorcing,) I'd like to hear more stories on this topic and how people resolved the issues.
I got married in 1981 and my kids were born in 1986 and 1991. I stayed married far too long to the father of my children, after I'd forgiven his infidelities when they were in elementary school and created an independent social life of my own when they were a little older. By the time my youngest went off to college, I'd moved into her room, and he and I lived quite separate lives.
When my mom asked me to move in with her in 2014, I jumped at the chance and left him living in the co-op we owned together. He kept me on his health insurance. He had a girlfriend, and I had/have a boyfriend. It was an unspoken arrangement, and it worked for a good long while, almost 8 years. When my mom died in 2018, he came and sat shiva with us. After that, we had a couple of Thanksgivings together, one big happy(ish) family. I actually liked his girlfriend, she'd never been married and had no kids and she liked my kids a lot - and they were adults by this point (and neither of them has children, so no Bubbe or Zayde in this tale).
And so it went for a few years... until he reconnected with his high school girlfriend on Facebook (yes! How trite! but true) and had an epiphany - suddenly he dumped his girlfriend of 7 years, and told me we needed to get divorced, we needed to sell the co-op, and he was packing up his life and moving across country to be with her. It was a bit of a shock, especially when he confessed to me that for 40 years, whenever we would fight or whenever he was feeling down, he would "go to a little place in my heart where I held the memories of her" and that he never loved anyone the way he loved her. It was a gut punch that took me by surprise, I thought I was numb to any more hurt from him, but hearing that felt like he was negating our entire marriage (and our kids). It sounds silly - we were getting divorced, after all - but it really hurt to imagine that for all those years I struggled to keep this marriage together, he was escaping to an interior fantasy, one so powerful that he tracked her down and made it a reality.
So we got divorced, and it was both sad and liberating at the same time. It took several months; we used a mediator, because there were few possessions other than the co-op, and we sold that and split the proceeds. The hardest part was getting him to understand that I was entitled to half his pension; I'd been a full time mom for 15 years (with financial assistance from my generous mom). Anyway... I ended up settling for less than half, and neither of us was happy - I guess that's a successful divorce.
Another thing that was painful about my divorce is that for over 30 years, I lived with him and raised a family in a little 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom garden apartment in Queens, although my mom offered to help us buy a house many times - but he "never wanted the responsibility" - at least that was his excuse. I grew up in a house, and I wanted my kids to experience that as well... but they had to make do with visiting Grandma's house. My son actually lived with my mother while he went to law school, an arrangement that worked out well for everyone, since she was in her 80s and didn't want to live alone and he was in his 20s and didn't want to live in the crowded garden apartment. So, now that my ex has upended his life and moved to California to be with the high school girlfriend, they are buying a house in North Carolina and will live on the edge of a nature preserve with lots of land. It stings to see him finally taking on the responsibility of homeownership when he's 72 and retired, when he didn't care to provide a home for his family when he was young.
The divorce became final on August 8, 2023. I haven't met the new girlfriend yet, but I think my kids have, when she visited New York last year. I'm sure he'll marry her eventually, probably sooner rather than later. I still chat with him occasionally online, maybe once every few weeks, and mostly about the kids, or music, or cats. The new girlfriend never had kids, which I suppose makes life simpler for me. If either of our kids has a wedding and we're all there, I will be cordial to her, but that's about it.
As for me, I'm living with my boyfriend since 2015, my mom left the co-op to me when she passed, and I don't really want or feel the need to get married again. We've been through a lot together. I have had multiple orthopedic surgeries and have mobility issues; he developed sepsis in 2019 and was on dialysis for 3 years before receiving a kidney transplant in 2022 from an altruistic living donor, a young man who was 36 at the time. So weddings are not top of my list of priorities, I guess. On Saturday, June 15, we will be attending the wedding of his donor in New Jersey, and I'll enjoy the miracle of that celebration with this new member of our extended family.
Sorry to ramble on... "There are eight million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them."
Thank you for sharing your story in response to mine. I wrote this to hear more of those 8 million stories -- each one a life -- a human -- a person. Please know that you have been heard and I hope others read your story too. We can learn so much from each other about how to deal with the things life throws at us.. with grace. BTW -- I got less than half too. While I worked my entire life, he made far more than I did. I could have pushed harder for a 50-50 share but any extra money I'd possibly get would have been eaten up by lawyers or forensic accountants and left a whole lot of toxicity behind. Not as comfortable as he is, but I'm okay.
Having gotten divorced at 28, she was 25, after 7 years of marriage, it's hard for me to imagine what you have written. We obviously had no grandchildren to relate to at the time, and my grandchild who is now 33 has no memory of his grandmother who passed away at the age of 31. Given the incredible codicil you co-wrote with your former husband, it makes me wonder why you even divorced. On Friday I'm going to see a new Israeli film called "Monogamy", which apparently asks "Can love withstand the test of time?", accompanied by a discussion with the director. I'm going with a woman friend who has never been married.
This really speaks to me. Although my divorce was before my daughters had children, some of these tensions erupted because he left me (us) for a woman he married immediately and brings her to any and all family events. (He actually began doing that WHILE we were still divorcing,) I'd like to hear more stories on this topic and how people resolved the issues.
So many silver divorce stories... here's mine.
I got married in 1981 and my kids were born in 1986 and 1991. I stayed married far too long to the father of my children, after I'd forgiven his infidelities when they were in elementary school and created an independent social life of my own when they were a little older. By the time my youngest went off to college, I'd moved into her room, and he and I lived quite separate lives.
When my mom asked me to move in with her in 2014, I jumped at the chance and left him living in the co-op we owned together. He kept me on his health insurance. He had a girlfriend, and I had/have a boyfriend. It was an unspoken arrangement, and it worked for a good long while, almost 8 years. When my mom died in 2018, he came and sat shiva with us. After that, we had a couple of Thanksgivings together, one big happy(ish) family. I actually liked his girlfriend, she'd never been married and had no kids and she liked my kids a lot - and they were adults by this point (and neither of them has children, so no Bubbe or Zayde in this tale).
And so it went for a few years... until he reconnected with his high school girlfriend on Facebook (yes! How trite! but true) and had an epiphany - suddenly he dumped his girlfriend of 7 years, and told me we needed to get divorced, we needed to sell the co-op, and he was packing up his life and moving across country to be with her. It was a bit of a shock, especially when he confessed to me that for 40 years, whenever we would fight or whenever he was feeling down, he would "go to a little place in my heart where I held the memories of her" and that he never loved anyone the way he loved her. It was a gut punch that took me by surprise, I thought I was numb to any more hurt from him, but hearing that felt like he was negating our entire marriage (and our kids). It sounds silly - we were getting divorced, after all - but it really hurt to imagine that for all those years I struggled to keep this marriage together, he was escaping to an interior fantasy, one so powerful that he tracked her down and made it a reality.
So we got divorced, and it was both sad and liberating at the same time. It took several months; we used a mediator, because there were few possessions other than the co-op, and we sold that and split the proceeds. The hardest part was getting him to understand that I was entitled to half his pension; I'd been a full time mom for 15 years (with financial assistance from my generous mom). Anyway... I ended up settling for less than half, and neither of us was happy - I guess that's a successful divorce.
Another thing that was painful about my divorce is that for over 30 years, I lived with him and raised a family in a little 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom garden apartment in Queens, although my mom offered to help us buy a house many times - but he "never wanted the responsibility" - at least that was his excuse. I grew up in a house, and I wanted my kids to experience that as well... but they had to make do with visiting Grandma's house. My son actually lived with my mother while he went to law school, an arrangement that worked out well for everyone, since she was in her 80s and didn't want to live alone and he was in his 20s and didn't want to live in the crowded garden apartment. So, now that my ex has upended his life and moved to California to be with the high school girlfriend, they are buying a house in North Carolina and will live on the edge of a nature preserve with lots of land. It stings to see him finally taking on the responsibility of homeownership when he's 72 and retired, when he didn't care to provide a home for his family when he was young.
The divorce became final on August 8, 2023. I haven't met the new girlfriend yet, but I think my kids have, when she visited New York last year. I'm sure he'll marry her eventually, probably sooner rather than later. I still chat with him occasionally online, maybe once every few weeks, and mostly about the kids, or music, or cats. The new girlfriend never had kids, which I suppose makes life simpler for me. If either of our kids has a wedding and we're all there, I will be cordial to her, but that's about it.
As for me, I'm living with my boyfriend since 2015, my mom left the co-op to me when she passed, and I don't really want or feel the need to get married again. We've been through a lot together. I have had multiple orthopedic surgeries and have mobility issues; he developed sepsis in 2019 and was on dialysis for 3 years before receiving a kidney transplant in 2022 from an altruistic living donor, a young man who was 36 at the time. So weddings are not top of my list of priorities, I guess. On Saturday, June 15, we will be attending the wedding of his donor in New Jersey, and I'll enjoy the miracle of that celebration with this new member of our extended family.
Sorry to ramble on... "There are eight million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them."
Thank you for sharing your story in response to mine. I wrote this to hear more of those 8 million stories -- each one a life -- a human -- a person. Please know that you have been heard and I hope others read your story too. We can learn so much from each other about how to deal with the things life throws at us.. with grace. BTW -- I got less than half too. While I worked my entire life, he made far more than I did. I could have pushed harder for a 50-50 share but any extra money I'd possibly get would have been eaten up by lawyers or forensic accountants and left a whole lot of toxicity behind. Not as comfortable as he is, but I'm okay.
At the end of the day, it's only money and you can't take it with you. And avoiding toxicity is priceless.
It sounds like your granddaughter has a wonderful grasp on the situation - I hope all the grandchildren of divorce are as wise and loving as she is!
Having gotten divorced at 28, she was 25, after 7 years of marriage, it's hard for me to imagine what you have written. We obviously had no grandchildren to relate to at the time, and my grandchild who is now 33 has no memory of his grandmother who passed away at the age of 31. Given the incredible codicil you co-wrote with your former husband, it makes me wonder why you even divorced. On Friday I'm going to see a new Israeli film called "Monogamy", which apparently asks "Can love withstand the test of time?", accompanied by a discussion with the director. I'm going with a woman friend who has never been married.